Sons of bitches, man!

Since I work from home, I hardly ever get dressed. When you sit in your room taking phone calls all day (not of the dirty variety) (okay sometimes of the dirty variety, but only because the preeverts [I don't know, I say it that way in my head to be funny?] apparently don't know how to go online and get actual porn for free) it seems like a waste of time to get dressed. And I mean both time actually putting on clothes, AND the time it takes to launder said clothes. So today I got off work and decided to leave the house. I was going to go to Target and buy a new coffee grinder and then probably make some impulse purchases. I was maybe going to get some makeup remover, as much as it pains me to say that. I don't wear makeup but I DID finally buy a thingie of mascara and I accidentally got the waterproof kind and it's nigh-on impossible to remove even with two different kinds of soap and 5 gallons of water. They aren't joking, I guess.

So I got dressed, but then I decided I should take a picture. I like when bloggy people take pictures of their outfits every day, and being a woman of the large persuasion I figured I might add a little fatshion to the internet. But then I took like 9 gazillion photos with the self-timer and EVERY SINGLE ONE came out blurry. And my gay-ass camera doesn't just keep taking them, you have to grab the camera and reset the timer every time. Which was dumb of me, because all I did was make myself madder and madder. And then it started to rain, so I decided to skip Target, took my clothes off, and hung them all back up and sat down. And now that I look out the window, it isn't raining anymore. But do I really feel like getting dressed again?

Wow, BIG DAY here in the Alison household. Jesus.

So I have this problem, see...

My mom is a pot-head. Like, big time. Not content to smoke weed on weekends, or even evenings, she is an all-day every day toker. She works at home, so her job is not a hindrance to her habit. She smokes while she works, she smokes as her reward for working, and then she smokes while she rides her exercise bike. Often you will find her in the parking lot of her nearest Starbucks, doing the crossword, and getting high. It has been this way my entire life, and definitely even before that. She actually smoked pot while she was pregnant, both times. Rather than regret her youthful mistakes, she considers my sister and I to be supporting evidence that marijuana isn't bad for you. We are pretty awesome so I guess she has a point, but...

I never really minded this habit of hers. It was a funny thing, a quirky trait in my family. As I got older it was even kind of cool. One time I went to school wearing a jacket I had let her borrow, and found a dimebag-worth of green in the pocket. I was a well-behaved teen, so I ended up giving it to a classmate who would make better use of it. Somewhere along the lines, post-high school, my parents and I began smoking together.

Usually, it's fun. We get high, we cook, we reminisce about old times. We'll get laid back and watch a movie or play the Wii and I think, "Damn, my parents are awesome." But then there are the Other Times. The times when my mom's stash runs out and I become her source. One such time is now, and it's making me fucking crazy, man.

3 times in the past week, my mom has stopped by under the guise of some other errand. "Oh hey Al! I brought you and Zach some filet mignons! We love you! [pause] Got any smoke?" "I saw that email about the bra you wanted and I brought my credit card! Go ahead and get it! Wanna smoke? Can you spare it? I'm out!" Once it was annoying but understandable. But when my dad called me today to ask 1) for my Guy's number, and 2) if he could borrow some of my stash, I got pissed. I don't want to do this shit for them any more! But how the hell do you say, "Mom and Dad? I don't want to be involved in your drug purchases anymore. It's awkward."?

I know my mom is going to be pissed. She's going to say, "But I bring you coffee! I buy you presents!" She's going to be hurt. And she's going to be annoyed that I am making her problem HERS. It makes my confident 27 feel like a downtrodden 14 again. If I mention to my dad how annoying this is, he's going to be floored that she has done this already this week, and more than once. Oh, did I forget to mention? There is another layer of drama here.

My mom likes to get a bag, right? Then she likes to tell my dad, "Oh I can't be trusted, dear, you be in charge of the bag. I'll let you know when I want to smoke." Only, she doesn't actually give it all to him. She keeps some for herself and then gives the rest to him, while he THINKS he has it all. Then she can ask him for some, but she can also do whatever she damn well pleases and my dad thinks he's actually in control. It's some high-grade manipulation.

So tomorrow I'm supposed to let them know if my Guy wants to take them on as customers. But that guy is actually a friend of mine, and not really a drug dealer. He's a dude who can help out his friends. And it gets old introducing everyone to my fucking parents. Yeah, they're nice people, but damn, y'all. When do I get to be a grown up? Also, I want to be completely removed from my parents' purchasing habits. Even when they had the contact number of my former Guy, they would bother me constantly. "Have you talked to him? Was he at work today? When are YOU supposed to see him? Should we just ride together?"

I want to nip this shit in the bud, but I also don't want to piss off Mommy and Daddy. I feel mad that they're even putting me in this position in the first place. It's been going on for so long I don't even know if I can extricate myself at this point. Of all the fucking problems to have!

Hey hey hey!

I'm not even hating anything right now. It's a miracle! (Every time I say that, I get the Culture Club song stuck in my head.)

My friend who I bitched about constantly? I feel bad for her, man. Her husband has a pornography addiction (who doesn't?!) and they're going through some shit. If I were the husband I'd be like, "Hey! Get a job! Then you can tell me what to do!", but...I'm not, so I guess they'll work it out. I admit, it sounds pretty fun to get to stay home all day nursing your babe on your teat and watching soaps, but it would make me feel like an absentee member of the team, I think. Or like some kind of leech. Perhaps it would make me feel much like the members of our society who rely on others to pay for their healthcare, even! ZING!

Zach and I rented that movie UP on Netflix and I think I made it 20 minutes before I was bawling my eye-bawls (durr) out. The disc is still in the dvd-player, paused indefinitely. I'm a shitty movie-watcher.

Okay looks like I ran out of steam already. I'm way better when I'm mad, I guess. Also I'm always terrified the things I say will leak out into my real life and then I'll be done for. I got myself into big trouble that way in former blogs and my Twitter account, hence that bitch being privatized now. Turns out Zach's sister doesn't think it's funny that I find her child to be quality birth control. Whoops!

Later, skaters.

Quickie

Hey people! How the hell are ya?

I'm preeeetty good. Just got done jumping on the ol' trampoline and about to go take a shower. My sister is in town for a few more hours and we're going to grab some lunch somewhere delicious. I went out with Ashley and Craig last night to a fancy burger place in Decatur--Farm Burger. DUDE. I know some people are over the whole burger thing and it has gotten a little out of hand here in the A (and probably other places too, but...I live just in the one place, so I don't know for sure), but I am truly a burger connoisseur. Same thing with bacon, man. Bacon's this big internet thing and now it's coming to an end, but...I always loved bacon. I didn't just love it because it was all over the internet. But shit, who doesn't love bacon!? Which brings me back to Farm Burger. Their beef is grass-fed and they have insane toppings. I got mine with home-made pimento cheese and house-cured bacon, and well, I am now dead. I died of deliciousity overdose, and it was good. So good in fact, that I am thinking Georgia and I need to get back over there today. Ahhh look at me, reinforcing the stereotype that all fatties do is eat burgers all day. I should wear a button that says, "I already did my exercise today. Don't judge." Or if anyone asks, I have a twin, and SHE ate there last night.

I am off work today which on the one hand is nice, but on the other it is not-so-nice since Zach is out of town. I prefer my days off to coincide with his, but there is something to be said for a lazy solo Saturday too. Especially since my sister's here! She and Zach love each other too, but there's no substitute for one-on-one sister time.

I am getting suuuuper excited about my upcoming trip to Portland. I haven't been in about a decade. I am excited to go as a real live grown-up, though last time I went I thought I was grown up too. Back then I lived with Evan in our teeny-tiny attic apartment. I did have a job and possibly even a dog, but...man! I can't imagine 19-year-old Alison knew shit about anything. I cringe just thinking about the things I must have said or done last time I was there. Then again, some of you guys knew me back then and tolerated me too, so I guess I'm being hard on myself. I just really regret wasting so much time with Evan and it makes me embarrassed to think how much shit I put up with because I wanted to have a relationship. I mean, I did love him don't get me wrong, but I could have been way fucking smarter if I was thinking with my logical brain instead of my emotional one. And shit, even at nearly-30 I still don't know how to do that. I just hope my aunts and uncles and cousins like me and are proud of who I am now. We didn't really keep in touch while I was growing up, except when I came out there in the summers. I feel a bit resentful--why didn't they want to know what I was up to all year? If Georgia died, and left behind a child, you bet your ass I would be in touch with that child. But I guess everyone has their own drama and worrying about someone else's kid 3,000 miles away is just one more thing at the bottom of the To-Do list. Anyway, I'm nervous about seeing everyone. I hope they won't just think "Man, she's fat" and that they will add, "..but super funny!" on the end. That would be nice.

Alright snitches, I've gotta get in the shower. (I miss working at the Roadwhore sometimes--one of our cooks, Deon, would always say "Snitches get stitches" which I can only assume is some sort of jail-based saying and I love it to death)

And now for something completely different

I'm pretty glad politics have taken a backseat on Facebook lately. It was getting old hating my friends. I have a couple other conservative friends who manage to be much less vocal about things. Not that you shouldn't speak your mind, but when it devolves into, "You're wrong!" and "No, YOU are so the wrong one", nothing is really getting solved.

The weather here is insanely gorgeous. Even when I'm already outside, I'm like, "Damn, I should get outside!" In general I enjoy the outdoors, but from my cozy house, looking out the window. Weather like this makes me think I should actually go...like DO something. The downside is all the MFing pollen. I really never had allergies before but for the past 3 days I can't talk. I feel mostly fine, but I have no voice. It's so disconcerting not being able to talk--I don't even feel like myself. I got to meet beloved blogger Bossy and I was really hoping she'd love me and tell her audience how I'm the coolest blog-reader in the metro-Atlanta area, but no such luck. I was barely audible, and what I did say was mostly Monster/vodka-induced dumbassery. Manuel's doesn't have Red Bull, but they do have Monster, but there's really no good way to order that. I seriously said to the waitress, "Yeah I need another Vodka Monster....raaawwwr". And then I died, because that's retarded and I should not be allowed in public.

I had to call in to work my past 3 shifts, so now my stats will be in the toilet. I always thought being an independent contractor sounded so glamorous and flexible, but...no. At least not in my line of work. I have been applying to real jobs lately, but I don't know how I really feel about that. I only own jeans anymore, I have a visible tattoo, and I am definitely not removing my nose ring. I also don't particularly feel like driving somewhere every day, or working M-F, 8-5. I know, I know, those are all things that most people have to do. But I also know that the people who do those things bitch about it constantly. Then again, I bitch constantly anyway soooo...6 of one, right?

I'm pretty sure I told Zach to make a pot of coffee (who's Bossy now, am i right?) and it should be ready, so I'm gonna go and drink it up and hope it cures my throat malady. Have a super day, kids.

Politics are the devil

Today has been particularly rough on the internet, for pretty much everyone. We all feel like we're getting stomped on. I hate to think that some of my friends really see me as a leech on society, all because I want to be able to go to the doctor when I need to. It blows my fucking mind that healthcare is a privilege and not a right. Did any of us ask to be born? Do any of us ask to get sick? It's not like, "Can't afford car insurance? Don't drive." Can't afford health insurance? Don't get sick. Seriously?

I'm sad. Really really sad.

OMFG I can't take it anymore

I really didn't mean for this to become a blog mostly about how I secretly hate one of my friends. I hate LOTS of things and would like to focus on some of those sometimes. But this is fucking killing me.

P Here's one way the Democrats want to pay for health care. You tell me if this seems right. Hint: if you think this is right, you're wrong.

about an hour ago · Comment ·

P

Currently, the Medicare payroll tax is 2.9% on all wages -- with the worker and his employer each paying 1.45%.

The reconciliation bill, like the Senate bill, would raise the percentage paid by high-income individuals by 0.9 percentage points, so an individual would pay 2.35% on his wages.

The reconciliation bill, however, also would subject the investment income of high-income households, such as dividends, interest and rent, to a 3.8% Medicare tax.

about an hour ago

P

In other words, for those of you in la-la land; those who don't need Medicare will pay for those who do. There's you some incentive to be successful and become wealthy. That's right! Work hard, provide for your family a good life and get robbed by the federal government to pay for someone else what they should pay themself.

59 minutes ago

A

Fabulous! I already love it that you pay that much for Medicare, which neither you nor your dependents use. I will love it even more when your more of your hard earned money is taken away from you and your dependents. Success will only be punished in the US of A.

Guess what, fuckfaces! The people who need Medicare CANNOT pay for it! That's kind of the whole point! In this country, like it or not (if you don't like it you can get out! Isn't that what the Bush-lovers [hee!] used to say to us when we complained?), there are services you may not use that you have to help pay for. It's called living in a fucking civilized society. I've never ever had to call a firetruck. Maybe only people who have fires should pay for a fire station! I've never called the cops either, so all you police-needing people can pay for that! What is so bad about helping someone who is less fortunate? Seriously, what? Does that not-even-1% really make a huge dent in your income? Are you REALLY that much of a selfish prick that the thought of helping someone who can't help themselves pisses you off?

I just don't get it. I really don't.