So I have this problem, see...

My mom is a pot-head. Like, big time. Not content to smoke weed on weekends, or even evenings, she is an all-day every day toker. She works at home, so her job is not a hindrance to her habit. She smokes while she works, she smokes as her reward for working, and then she smokes while she rides her exercise bike. Often you will find her in the parking lot of her nearest Starbucks, doing the crossword, and getting high. It has been this way my entire life, and definitely even before that. She actually smoked pot while she was pregnant, both times. Rather than regret her youthful mistakes, she considers my sister and I to be supporting evidence that marijuana isn't bad for you. We are pretty awesome so I guess she has a point, but...

I never really minded this habit of hers. It was a funny thing, a quirky trait in my family. As I got older it was even kind of cool. One time I went to school wearing a jacket I had let her borrow, and found a dimebag-worth of green in the pocket. I was a well-behaved teen, so I ended up giving it to a classmate who would make better use of it. Somewhere along the lines, post-high school, my parents and I began smoking together.

Usually, it's fun. We get high, we cook, we reminisce about old times. We'll get laid back and watch a movie or play the Wii and I think, "Damn, my parents are awesome." But then there are the Other Times. The times when my mom's stash runs out and I become her source. One such time is now, and it's making me fucking crazy, man.

3 times in the past week, my mom has stopped by under the guise of some other errand. "Oh hey Al! I brought you and Zach some filet mignons! We love you! [pause] Got any smoke?" "I saw that email about the bra you wanted and I brought my credit card! Go ahead and get it! Wanna smoke? Can you spare it? I'm out!" Once it was annoying but understandable. But when my dad called me today to ask 1) for my Guy's number, and 2) if he could borrow some of my stash, I got pissed. I don't want to do this shit for them any more! But how the hell do you say, "Mom and Dad? I don't want to be involved in your drug purchases anymore. It's awkward."?

I know my mom is going to be pissed. She's going to say, "But I bring you coffee! I buy you presents!" She's going to be hurt. And she's going to be annoyed that I am making her problem HERS. It makes my confident 27 feel like a downtrodden 14 again. If I mention to my dad how annoying this is, he's going to be floored that she has done this already this week, and more than once. Oh, did I forget to mention? There is another layer of drama here.

My mom likes to get a bag, right? Then she likes to tell my dad, "Oh I can't be trusted, dear, you be in charge of the bag. I'll let you know when I want to smoke." Only, she doesn't actually give it all to him. She keeps some for herself and then gives the rest to him, while he THINKS he has it all. Then she can ask him for some, but she can also do whatever she damn well pleases and my dad thinks he's actually in control. It's some high-grade manipulation.

So tomorrow I'm supposed to let them know if my Guy wants to take them on as customers. But that guy is actually a friend of mine, and not really a drug dealer. He's a dude who can help out his friends. And it gets old introducing everyone to my fucking parents. Yeah, they're nice people, but damn, y'all. When do I get to be a grown up? Also, I want to be completely removed from my parents' purchasing habits. Even when they had the contact number of my former Guy, they would bother me constantly. "Have you talked to him? Was he at work today? When are YOU supposed to see him? Should we just ride together?"

I want to nip this shit in the bud, but I also don't want to piss off Mommy and Daddy. I feel mad that they're even putting me in this position in the first place. It's been going on for so long I don't even know if I can extricate myself at this point. Of all the fucking problems to have!